Good evening blogosphere. Wow, it’s been a while hasn’t it? I’ve had a lot going on, and have been waiting for some sort of resolution before posting my progress on here. Call me odd, but there you are…
So, as some of you know, I left Wobbly Bob recently, and happily they’re straight back up on their feet. My official reason for this was due to other commitments, but I feel I owe it to myself - and that kickass band - to tell the whole story, for those that want to hear it.
As most Bobites know, I have a history of depression, the recurrence of which was the start of the destructive pattern that led to my hasty exit. I’ll try to explain.
First off was a feeling of low self-worth. Although this initially caused a spate of creative inspiration, it soon left me feeling entirely uncreative as there just didn’t seem to be a point to it. I was at a low point from losing my fiancée, then my business, and finally the bulk of my friends. I began to take this out on the band in rehearsals, I think subconsciously seeking approval by trying to take the role of excessively emphatic leader. This led to some pretty dodgy decisions and awful organisation on my part that filtered through as reflecting badly on the band: the delayed re-release of the EP and writing and recording of the album (luckily the boys pulled together around me and dragged me almost to the finishing line, and were more than capable of finishing the job).
During this initial time I joined band Child Loses Arm, the band of a very old friend James Moonie, as their drummer. This pulled my attentions two different ways, and although it was distracting at first I feel that, in hindsight, it gave me clarity when I hit bottom.
And there I was one night, so overwhelmed by the thought of being in Wobbly Bob, no longer enjoying rehearsals or even gigging, brooding in resentment of the guys standing up to me when I was being (again in hindsight) a complete and utter knobhead. That night will stick in my memory for a long time to come - the moment of clarity when I realised that the band, although amazing and destined for great things, was just not right for me. To this day I can’t explain what my reasoning was (I suppose in time I’ll piece it together, and I’ll let you know as soon as I do), but everything just seemed to click into place.
It was so clear now - the decision to continue to be unhappy within the band would be harmful to me, the band, and most importantly the fans. I felt I was sucking the life off the stage, and I could see the audience beginning to see the same, and the crowds had begun to dwindle.
I hit rock bottom after having told the band of my decision, and having performed in what would be my last ever gig as their bassist. I was wracked with guilt and confusion, shutting myself off from the band to give myself room to think. I felt stuck in this situation until the Remedy event happened in Leeds and I bumped into Pete, who I consider to be one of my closest friends. We chatted enthusiastically, and excessively straining our vocal cords (right after Pete had done a gig as well!) due to the sheer volume of choice tunes [gods, I’m a walking cliché!] being performed live. I think it cleared a lot of tension - we discussed where we were both headed musically, and the possibility of another Child Loses Arm/Wobbly Bob double-headliner like the one that was so successful in Leeds, at The Primrose. No word on dates as yet, but both bands will release details if and when it’s formally arranged.
Just before this chance encounter, I finally saw my doctor about my depression, which he described as ‘severe’ and for which I immediately began taking antidepressants. Things are looking rosier all round now - Wobbly Bob have a new bassist, who I understand is the dog’s danglies (I’ve yet to see a gig with the new lineup, but I genuinely look forward to being in the crowd again); they’ve just gigged with Jaya The Cat, and I heard them just last night in a radio program! As for me, I’ve started work on a new solo acoustic album, as well as a prog metal album - both are coming along slowly but steadily - and Child Loses Arm are preparing for some more gigs, hopefully with new material and definitely a much tighter band. I’ll be dusting my drum kit off to practise as soon as Cinders and I work out where we can keep the rats so that the noise doesn’t make them panic (and, well, die!) and my technique is improving in leaps and bounds. Expect prog rock/metal epics coming your way soon - Martyn’s come up with a belter of a song!
I know you might wonder about my motives in posting this, and I guess there are several answers to that. Firstly, I wanted to nip in the bud any suspicions that I left due to a fallout of some kind. The band deserves to do brilliantly without me, and I believe that they’ll go all the way; I fully expect a number 1 record from them within the next few years and wish nothing but the best for all of them.
Secondly, I wanted to use this rare moment of clarity to get out how I feel about the situation. In short, I’m immensely proud of how far Wobbly Bob have got in the short time I’ve known them, and even more so of the small part I had in getting them to where they are now. I am still depressed, but slowly improving and no longer on suicide watch from my family - helped in no small amount by my good friend Tom, to whom I am so very grateful for his constant support, guidance and friendship over the last two years. I look forward to a brighter future, and am trying to end the internal conflict in me. Still drinking too much on occasion, and frequently smoking too much, but still, one step at a time eh?
Finally, I think I owe it to my friends to openly express my sincerest thanks for their support through these difficult times. I love you all so very much, and I promise I will be there in your time of need.
I’m afraid I must stop waffling now, as I have to take the car in for its MOT in less than 3 hours, and I haven’t slept yet. Goodnight blogosphere, and rest assured you’ll hear more from me soon.
~PLUR~
